Mr. Wonderful can be a highly impatient driver. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the car with him, gripping my seat as he speeds past someone or spews profanity like a dock worker. Because he's generally a mild-mannered guy, this kind of behavior always seems a bit out of character.
My go-to tactic for dealing with the situation is to reach over and play with the back of his hair. It's sort of like petting a barking dog to calm it down. Works pretty well usually, particularly when coupled with a few light-hearted sarcastic remarks like, "simmer down, Turbo."
Anyway, I chalked up this feisty-ness as just being another component of his multifaceted, sparkly personality.
And then I moved to Hollywood.
And months of driving in the company of morons started to wear on me. And suddenly, Mr. W's outbursts made perfect sense.
Because I don't often have another person in my car to pet my hair and talk me down, morning and evening commutes are routinely filled with Tourette-style rants and heart palpitations.
I really think there is a concentration of mentally-challenged motorists in the Los Angeles area. Hollywood being one of the thickest populations.
Given that these jackasses aren't likely going to leave my new neighborhood anytime soon, I have devised a system of communication that I think could help relieve my frustration and give other drivers valuable perspective about their habits on the road.
Remember in the old roadrunner cartoons when Wile E Coyote would whip out a bow and arrow that had a plunger tip instead of a spear? Well, I'd like to create something similar—or maybe a dart system with a plunger attached—that would enable me to shoot out messages and have them stick to other drivers' cars.
That way I could let the guy who almost just cut me off know that he was a giant asshat. Or I could notify the dude going 50 in the fast lane that he should, "Give me a frigging break, buddy!"
If all goes well, I could even extend the product line to include customizable phone number tags. That way if single people were stuck in traffic next to someone attractive, they could just shoot their contact info over.
I really think this could open an interesting dialog amongst the drivers in LA. And it might help calm down Mr. W and his now road-raged bride.