Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Dingy Driver Dart System (Patent Pending)

Mr. Wonderful can be a highly impatient driver. I can't tell you how many times I've been in the car with him, gripping my seat as he speeds past someone or spews profanity like a dock worker. Because he's generally a mild-mannered guy, this kind of behavior always seems a bit out of character.

My go-to tactic for dealing with the situation is to reach over and play with the back of his hair. It's sort of like petting a barking dog to calm it down. Works pretty well usually, particularly when coupled with a few light-hearted sarcastic remarks like, "simmer down, Turbo."

Anyway, I chalked up this feisty-ness as just being another component of his multifaceted, sparkly personality.

And then I moved to Hollywood.

And months of driving in the company of morons started to wear on me. And suddenly, Mr. W's outbursts made perfect sense.

Because I don't often have another person in my car to pet my hair and talk me down, morning and evening commutes are routinely filled with Tourette-style rants and heart palpitations.

I really think there is a concentration of mentally-challenged motorists in the Los Angeles area. Hollywood being one of the thickest populations.

Given that these jackasses aren't likely going to leave my new neighborhood anytime soon, I have devised a system of communication that I think could help relieve my frustration and give other drivers valuable perspective about their habits on the road.

Remember in the old roadrunner cartoons when Wile E Coyote would whip out a bow and arrow that had a plunger tip instead of a spear? Well, I'd like to create something similar—or maybe a dart system with a plunger attached—that would enable me to shoot out messages and have them stick to other drivers' cars.

That way I could let the guy who almost just cut me off know that he was a giant asshat. Or I could notify the dude going 50 in the fast lane that he should, "Give me a frigging break, buddy!"

If all goes well, I could even extend the product line to include customizable phone number tags. That way if single people were stuck in traffic next to someone attractive, they could just shoot their contact info over.

I really think this could open an interesting dialog amongst the drivers in LA. And it might help calm down Mr. W and his now road-raged bride.


  1. asshat? I like it. Danny learned to drive in NYC and he is even-tempered just like Mr. W UNTil he gets behind the wheel...then he turs into a mad man. One of the first time my mom met him and was driving with him, he called someone a cheesedick in a parking lot. Never heard that word before that day, and have never heard it again since (except when we are telling the cheesedick story). Good luck with your road rage. I am the opposite...always wound up about everything and have a very short fuse, and I get behind the wheel and I am calm. Go figure.

  2. Have you driven in the valley? It's a whole new level of bad drivers. It's just so painful. I say words and phrases that I didn't even know where in my vocabulary. Most notably, driving on the 5 frwy some years ago, I was cut me off by some douche of a driver and almost run off the road. I was so mad/taken off guard that I wanted to call him a D**k, and an A**hole and a dirty bastard and what came out was "dirty dick hole". It's now one of my favorites.

  3. I love this post. Your father has mouthed off for years at drivers and will probably get us both killed! I'd love to run my fingers through his hair to calm him down - but there's not much hair! I tell him that this day and age you have to be careful or roadrage will get back at you. I can hardly picture Mr. W with a short fuse in traffic. I think maybe you need to make some paddle signs or flash cards to hold up with some of your favorite sayings - maybe "cheesedick" could be added!
    I thought I had heard almost everything - that is a good one.

  4. Your first paragraph ... you could've been talking about Sweets! Only, I tend to lecture Sweets about how it's so not worth getting riled up over jackasses.

  5. Laura - Totally adding cheesedick to my cursing dictionary.

    Hannah - I've never driven in the valley during rush hour. I'm thinking I would probably hurt someone. "Dirty dick hole" will also be added to my cursing repertoire.

    Mom - I keep telling you that I have Dad's DNA. I highly doubt that he's going to get you killed though. I do find myself using terms like he does sometimes - like "what in the sam hell are you doing, lady?!"

    Nilsa - See I would never guess that about Sweets because he's so quiet and mellow! That's so funny he has a road temper. I think if I tried to lecture Mr. W, he would roll his eyes and start lecturing me right back! ;)

  6. Perhaps one of these: http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/201513001/Led_car_rear_window_digital_display.html

    BTW, asshat is timeless.

  7. Yet another reason to celebrate your new job status. No commute!


Well, whatdya think?