Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Knife-Wielding and Wenises Just Don't Mix

My mom has this habit of getting off the phone with me and then calling five minutes later to tell me some random story she forgot to mention on the first call. It wasn't a surprise when my phone rang moments after I said goodbye to her Saturday evening.

"Yes?" I said.

"I forgot to tell you a weird story." Of course.

She went on to talk about how she'd been in the backyard a few days prior and heard a strange sound coming from the neighbor's yard. Naturally, she decided so spy through the fence boards.

What she saw was the neighbor's 20-something son throwing knives at a tree trunk. Stark ass naked (I believe those were her exact words.)

Now my first instinct was to ask her why the hell she was calling specifically to tell me this. Did she want me to go ask him not to do that again? Did she want me to call the police?

No. She just thought it was weird and wanted to pass it on.

We should get her a blog...

Anyway, as I thought about it later, I started to get kind of freaked out. I mean, one of those things independent of the other would be strange enough. Unless he was throwing knives in an Eagle Scout uniform, I think I'd be freaked out. And if he were doing yoga or gardening naked, I would just think he was communing with nature. But to be out there engrossed in a sort of violent activity while not clothed? That's a recipe for an amputated wiener. I can only come up with a few possible reasons for that kind of behavior.

1. He's a serial killer. Normal people don't do that sh*t. People who deep fry their own hamsters and collect human hair do stuff like throw knives naked.

2. He's batsh*t crazy. Total nutjob who needs to squeeze his nude little buns into a straight jacket.

3. He's a carnie. Every now and then when I was living in my old apartment, I'd see flame-throwers practicing their juggling in a nearby office parking lot. There may be a contingent of circus people in my old area that I never new about. Maybe the parents' neighbor is Nelbert the Naked Knife Thrower or something.

My mother didn't seem concerned that he was going to come across the property line and turn her skin into a dress for himself. She thinks he may in fact be some sort of circus person.

I told her next time he's out there bare-ass, she should strip down and wave over the fence, yelling "You into the nudist colony thing too?"

I guarantee that would scare him right back into his clothing.


  1. Another hilarious blog.... thanks for the continuous daily laughs
    And, that is STRANGE

  2. Laurissa - Thank YOU for reading. :) I wish I could make this stuff up...but these stories just seem to always work their way into my life. Hopefully the neighbor is harmless!

  3. I'm so impressed that you turned mom's bizarre story into an very entertaining blog. Since he just lives a block from my house, I would like to hire him to do his odd antics in front of my house, to deter theives from stealing my mail or backseats, or to give the overzealous parking enforcement officer something legitimate to cite.

  4. I think the interesting part is your mom is peeking through fence boards looking at the naked neighbor.

  5. Well it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be.
    I just peeked through the fence boards to see what he was throwing and at what, because it made a terrible racket. Much to my amazement was his lack of clothing! I sprayed water over the fence thinking it may distract him or "cool him off" - but he was completely
    in his own world. I guess next time instead of spraying water over the fence, I will just hang a camera over the fence and see what image it gets!

  6. Teeheehee, wenis. (I'm SUCH a five year old.)

  7. OMG. Just so you know....driving home from the airport yesterday, after being gone 17 days...THIS is the first story I heard from my mom. But...she didn't reveal the details...she said I just HAD to read your blog because she didn't want to spoil it for me. I'm pretty sure this could ONLY happen to YOUR mom. :)


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