Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Getting What You Believe You Deserve

When I was in D.C. last month and met up with my friend Geekhiker, a couple beers in the hotel bar led us into a rather intense conversation about dating and relationships. I, of course, started in on my beliefs that individuals create their love lives based on the kind of thoughts and energy they project into the world. What you put out comes back to you. Like attracts like. Focusing on what you DON'T want will likely draw that right to you. Yadda, yadda go read "The Secret" and "The Power of Intention."

After I reminded GH that I am convinced this mode of thinking is what brought Mr. Wonderful and I together, he came back at me with something to the effect of, "it was easy for you because you're thin and blonde."

This has been eating at me ever since.

First of all, weight and hair color do not automatically make you some sort of siren with the menfolks. There are a multitude of other necessary components, many of which I did not have figured out for a long time. Also, for the record, my teeth are off-center, I have freakishly long toes, my voice could belong to a muppet and, as we all know, sometimes my tongue smells. But all that aside, my biggest issue when dating was that I lacked confidence.

I was so concerned with all the flaws in the list above and so worried that I wasn't worldly enough or smart enough or just ENOUGH that I put out a vibe that screamed "I'm afraid I'll never find a man to love me!" And guess what: for a long time, I had a hell of a time finding a man who loved me!

It wasn't until I accepted who I was, got really comfortable with what I had to offer and what I was looking for in a partner, and started believing I WOULD find him that I actually had luck—and ultimately met the man of my dreams.

When I was single, a friend's father once told me, "You get what you believe you deserve," and now I see how dead on he was.

Believe in your heart of hearts that you deserve everything you desire, and you'll figure out a way to get it—whether you believe in manifesting or not. But if, on some level, you don't think you're worthy; if you question whether you're deserving of true happiness, I don't know that you will ever find it.

Remember what our moms all used to tell us: you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself. And part of that loving is knowing the happiness you want  will come to you. Even if your tongue stinks and you have monkey feet.


  1. Nooooo! Why did you write this?! This is the exact thing I struggle with (as you know). You sound like my hair stylist who keeps telling me to believe in the law of attraction. I guess what I struggle with is HOW do you start really believing it?

  2. Jane - You sound like me when I first began investigating this stuff. :) I was totally resistant. But when I read some of the books on it, I realized that I had already been doing it - I just didn't know it! If you're interested, a good starter book is Wayne Dyer's "The Power of Inention." Also Lynn Grabhorn's "Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting." Don't force yourself into adopting it all, just give it a looksie and see if it appeals to you.

    I think you can only start believing it when you actually see it working in different ways in your life. And in order to see it, you have to know what to look for - which is where the books can help. If you ever want to chat about it offline, you know where to find me! ;)

  3. It is so, so true. One of my favorite quotes is from Willy Nelson (odd, I know): "Once I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around." Which, I think, is one way of saying if I realize how good I've got it, how good I am, and what it's all worth, everything I need and want walks right in. I know it's been true for me.

  4. Well said lovely. Well said.

  5. So.... I agree with pretty much everything you've said about what you put out to the world, you get back, etc. But .... good looks and a svelt body definitely help, too. First impressions are everything. Take it from me, the girl who used to be very thin and now is not. I get a very different response from the public than I used to. Sure, it has something to do with the way I carry myself and how I expect them to react, but the reality is, pretty people are noticed first.

  6. If finding love was solely a result of how good looking someone was, the human race would be much worse off and there would be a lot more single people.
    Looks are one component of the overall package. Who wants to be with a physically beautiful person who is mean, abusive, unfunny and no fun to be around? Not even that person wants to be with someone like that for very long.
    Lighten up, be thankful and enjoy the things you do have and can offer, learn to have some fun and you'll attract someone like that as well.

  7. well said Mr. W...

    I think people spend way too much time focusing on insecurities...looks are not all that important...someone can look good and be a complete a-hole. Have fun with yourself and don't take yourself too seriously and others will too. Simple as that.

  8. I absolutely could not agree with you more. It's not about body type or hair color or any of that stuff. It's so much about how we feel about ourselves and the confidence we have. I didn't find and accept the love of Mr. Darcy until I had done a lot of work on myself.

  9. Long time reader that rarely comments :-) I have mixed feelings about this topic. On the one hand, I agree with GH that physical attractiveness cannot be underestimated. Studies have shown that, all things being equal (and sometimes not equal), pretty people get better jobs, better pay, better mates, preferential treatments, etc. Sometimes it's hard for beautiful people to admit it even to themselves, but it's human nature to prefer someone better looking, and in our current cultural context, being thin and blonde IS an undeniable advantage (we can also say the same thing about being thin and brunette, etc.).

    HOWEVER, I also agree with you that looks can only get you so far. Most average-looking people eventually find their mates. Attitudes, personality, and mentality play a critical role in not only attracting the "right" people, but "keeping" them. Law of Attraction appeals to me, although it has not always worked, but I absolutely agree that you have to love yourself become you can be lovable to someone else. No one will come to rescue you -- you have to save yourself first.

    In short, I think being good-looking offers one undeniable advantage, but all the other "invisible" qualities you mentioned are crucial in the long run. Thank you for the book recommendations!

  10. LesleyG - Wonderful quote and philosophy. You always have the best perspective. :)

    HHP - Thanks, dear. :)

    Nilsa - I'm not at all meaning to say that looks aren't a factor. I do think they can impact that initial spark, but I also think a huge smile and cute personality affect that immensely. And I totally hear you on responses being different from the public - the older I get, the more I'm aware of it.

    Mr. W - I think what you meant to say is "sometimes Mel Heth looks like a witch when she wakes up in the morning, but she's so funny I still find her attractive." :)

    Laura - Amen. Life is way too short to let your insecurities rule. People should get out there and have some fun! It may lead them right to love!

    Sizzle - Thank you. :) I think we agree because we've gone through similar stuff to get where we are. And we're Aries. Rock on.

    Anonymous - Thank you for your comment! I just wrote a follow-up post this morning (that I'm in the process of running by Geekhiker) that says a lot of what you say. I know all the statistics about attractiveness, but I think people could be emanating attractiveness from within by learning to love themselves. If you want even more book recommendations, shoot me an email!

  11. I agree with Mr. W. Don't worry about what others think and you will live longer. It's what's inside the box that matters, beauty and brains come from within.
    Grandma always said, "Pretty is as pretty does".
    Love you.

  12. I think we need to remind ourselves that it's the oddkin things about us that make us unique and wonderful. You may be thin and blonde, but your stinky tongue and monkey feet make you unique and give you insight that other people with short toes would never experience :)


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