Sunday, January 26, 2014
With This Ring, I Promise Thee Never to Cut Off Thine Finger
Although I have a really fun collection of rings in my jewelry box, ever since I got THE ring in 2010, I don't wear my fun ones nearly as much. Last night we had our first double date with locals in our town and, wanting to get properly dolled up for our date, I decided to don one of my fun rings. I grabbed one with a multicolored browinsh stone that I probably paid $5 for at Forever 21. I shall call her Little Streaky. The minute I slid her onto my finger I thought I might be in trouble.
Back in the day, I wore her on my left hand (which is slimmer than my right) but the old ball and chain ring goes on that hand now, so I had to switch Little Streaky to my right hand. I think she was supposed to go on my ring finger...but I stuck her on the middle one.
Our double date was so much fun, I quickly forgot about my ring woes. We were with our wonderful next door neighbors taking advantage of Santa Ynez Valley restaurant week and, in addition to having a delicious meal (grilled prawn and bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, thanksforasking), we chatted and laughed and drank wine for several hours. But when we returned home and I couldn't get Little Streaky off, I began to panic.
I tried olive oil. I tried soap. I tried icing my hand to shrink my finger. Nothing worked. Finally I decided to go to bed wearing Little Streaky—hoping that my finger would somehow dehydrate and shrivel overnight so I could get her off in the morning.
I had more than one dream that I was able to remove her when I woke up.
But in reality, she seemed to be fitting even more snugly when I awoke.
I Googled "How to cut a ring off your finger" and found this video about using an elastic band to compress your finger tissue and slide the ring off without having to cut it. Eureka.
I retrieved some elastic from my sewing kit and gave it a try. Total joke. Little Streaky didn't move a millimeter.
Mr. W tried to snap her with bolt cutters but that didn't work either.
It was time to bring in the Dremmel and saw her in half.
"The doctor is ready for surgery," Mr. W said to me as he entered the kitchen with his tool kit and safety glasses for each of us. Immediately imagined the safety glasses getting covered in a spray of blood as Mr. W accidentally dug the saw blade into my finger...
It's funny how being married to someone periodically requires you to fully renew your trust in them. I was pretty terrified that I might get injured during this "surgery" but I had to just trust that Mr. W would be beyond careful and stop the Dremmel before it hit flesh.
As he pressed the spinning blade against the band, a couple little chunks of metal flew off and hit me in the face. Good thing for the safety glasses... We kept ice nearby to cool the metal as it heated under the friction of the saw. I made him stop at least a half dozen times because I was so freaked out.
Finally the groove in the ring seemed deep enough that he could use pliers to pull each side of Little Streaky apart. When he did, her plastic stone popped off and landed on the counter. As soon as I slid her off, I jumped up and down and threw my arms around him.
My finger is still green from wearing a $5 ring for 15 hours.
And I think Mr. W may have missed his true calling...
Thanks, Doctor McDreamy.