A Holiday Lesson: Lose the Expectations

There's something about growing up in a small town that skews your perception of relationships forever. Awhile back, I mentioned here and here that before I moved to Hollywood with Mr. Wonderful, I lived in virtually the same town where I grew up. And that has caused me to stay friends with people I knew in preschool and kindergarten and, really, even back when I was a wee zygote in my mom's belly. For the most part, once you're a friend of mine, you're always a friend.

This small-town way of looking at things can make it hard to handle being dissed. (Remember that gem from junior high?)

When I see the number of Facebook friends on my page fluctuate or I notice I've been pulled from someone's blogroll or I don't receive a Christmas card from a once regular sender, I totally get my feelings hurt.

I immediately assume that I've done something to offend them or they don't like my writing or they hate me and want to feed me nails and chalk dust. Because why wouldn't they want to be friends when I'm so nice all the time? Right...

Mr. Wonderful can't count how many times he's had to tell me to "let it go." In fact, we were just having this conversation recently when I stumbled upon a horoscope of all things that reminded me of my erred, halfsighted way of seeing things. It said:

Sure, you've built up a lot of good karma over the past few months, but you can't stand there tapping your toe, waiting for the big payback to come. If you are doing that right now, you're missing the point of being selfless. Don't do things for others because you think that will earn you something in return. Life is not tit for tat. Do things for other people because it brings you happiness, a sense of importance or a heartfelt warmth. Reach out when there is nothing in it for you.

What I realized is this doesn't just apply to tangible things like holiday cards. It applies to friendships.

Just because I cheer someone on during a tough time or make time in my schedule for them or comment on their blog doesn't mean they are required to repay me. Furthermore, it's selfish of me to expect them to.

When you put thought or energy into a relationship, it's really easy to presume the same amount will be returned to you. An even exchange. But that's not what love and friendship are about.

I had forgotten.

Maybe it's time to shed this flaky piece of skin from my small town days and accept that here in the big city, people are entitled to change their minds. They're allowed to go in different directions and even decide to remove you from their roadmaps. And that doesn't mean that you are a bad person or in some way unworthy. It just means that their relationship requirements have shifted.

Trying to hang on to this notion may become one of my New Year's resolutions. Selfless giving of friendship seems like a good one to add on the 2012 list.

Holiday Cheer

 Of course the yearly cookie-making tradition with my dad generates buckets of
holiday cheer. We especially enjoyed his misspelled Fedex truck cookie this year.

Despite the fact that I'm job-free as a bird these days, I've not been impervious to the stressors of the holiday season. It's so easy to get caught up in the shopping and planning and frustration of waiting in massive lines, and lose sight of all the good things going on around me. But recently I've seen so many examples of goodness and humanity, I just had to talk about a few... 

Secret Santas paying off layaway tabs. I saw multiple news stories about this and I just fell in love with the idea. Kindness from strangers at a time when people will appreciate it so much. So touching. 

The new game show You Deserve It. In case you don't know the premise, people go on the show to win money for someone else who they believe deserves it. I watched part of an episode where a woman was playing to win money for her mother who had raised not only her special needs sister, but also taken in a special needs foster child. Very cool.

This post by Janice. It's all about taking people on as your "nurture projects." What a wonderful idea, huh? Sending love and kindness to people who really need it. Letting them know someone is thinking of them. Adore this.

The couple who found and returned $23,000. They were on The Today Show this week, telling the story of how they found the money under a mattress in the new home they purchased—and subsequently tracked down the previous owner's son to return it to him. Their karma rating just went through the roof.
  
 
The early Christmas present Mr. W gave me tonight.
The little Vespa looks just like the one Mr. W and I motored around Capri on during our honeymoon. But the one I got is better because he painted "Capri" and "2011" on its sides. The best part is that I almost bought him a yellow scooter magnet as a stocking stuff. Typical that we would have the same idea...


The fact that my oldest niece asked on Thanksgiving that we do less this year and give money to charities instead of buying presents. Oh, how that one always makes me proud. She's going to save the world one day. I decided to adopt orca whales through National Wildlife Federation for my cousin's kids. The money is going to a good cause, and the kids were overjoyed that they're now "whale parents." I did a few more things, but they're top secret until Christmas...

What's warming your heart this season? Have you seen any shining examples of humanity in your state or city or family? Lay it on me!

***After seeing Nilsa's comment, I need to clarify that the Vespa is a Christmas ornament! Not a real scooter!***

I Should've Sewn Capes for All of Them for Christmas

I discovered this picture of Montrose on Flickr. Taken by cjanebuy.

When I walked into the restaurant last night, there were 12 adults and 8 kids crowded around a series of pushed-together tables. My entire immediate family, plus some in-laws, had gathered to dine on pizza then walk through the town I lived in for 8 years before moving to Hollywood with Mr. Wonderful. This little city was partly developed by my maternal great-grandfather, and it's the place where my beloved grandma lived from age 2  into her 90s. To say I adore Montrose isn't enough. It's my village. The place of my people and so many of my memories.

Though we lost a few members after dinner, there was still quite a group of us tromping down the main street to take in the holiday decorations. My brother was pulling my youngest niece and a friend's daughter in a wagon decked out with tinsel and Christmas lights. I joked that we should all start caroling.

But as we crossed the main intersection, my Mom said to my brother, "Oh my gosh you need to go help that lady!" On the other side of the street, an older woman in thin pink sweatpants was on her knees, struggling as two passers-by tried to get her back on her feet.

Immediately, my brother (a fireman), my dad (a longtime wannabe fireman/cop/superhero) and my cousin's husband (an artist who is very tall and strong) dashed across the street. My brother knelt on the ground, easing the lady back so she was resting in his lap. My sister (a nurse) darted over to see if she could help, too. They think the woman may have had a small stroke.

As I stood on my corner, watching the scene unfold, I was overcome by emotion. There was something about seeing my family rushing to the aid of a stranger that nearly brought me to tears. I don't know if I've ever felt more proud of them. They are such good people.

The fire engine and medic truck arrived and my sentimentality quickly passed as my cousin went to work on a rescue of another kind. A woman had approached us and asked what happened and when my cousin turned to respond, she noticed a spider on the lady's collar. "I'm really sorry but you have a giant spider on you!" she said, swatting furiously at the woman's head.

We laughed about it the rest of the way down the block.

It's pretty neat to be part of a family that's not only an asset to me but to the entire community. My grandma would have turned 97 this coming year, and although she's not here with us anymore, I know she'd be so proud to have her brave, strong children and grandchildren standing together, doing such good on her streets of Montrose.

Egg Beating My Husband into Submission

 

One of the gifts Mr. Wonderful gave me last Christmas was a bottle of my favorite body lotion paired with this blue dachshund-shaped massager. I love this thing. It works the kinks in my neck like nobody's business. And each appendage serves different muscle-knot purposes. The feet are fantastic for big, sweeping massagery (yes, just made up that word), the nose is slightly more pointed for digging and the tail is pretty much like a slightly rounded ice pick.

Over the last year, Mr. W and I have routinely uttered the phrase, "I need you to use the dog on me tonight," when our backs and necks are particularly knotty. (Note: not "naughty" - "knotty" - the dog is not used for anything creepy and weird. Neck kinks are as kinky as it gets around here, folks.)

Anyway, given how much we adore the dog, I thought the gift below would probably be a big hit in Mr. W's stocking this year. See, he loves having his head rubbed and that little egg beater is a scalp massager.

 

We had seen these contraptions before and laughed at them, but when Amazon suggested one to me this year for the bargain price of $2.89, I really couldn't resist. If anything, I knew it would make Mr. W laugh when he saw it. 

This past week, he had a really long hard day at work, so when he arrived home I told him he could open one of his presents early. Of course he cracked up when he saw it. But then we tried it...

OH MY FREAKING HEAD HEAVEN.

I cannot tell you how amazing this thing feels on your head. I almost drooled.

Mr. W looked drunk after I spent a few minutes popping it up and down on his cranium. He was in ecstasy. I don't know how you could hang onto any stress after spending time with the egg beater. It is seriously a godsend.

I'm so addicted to it that I've put it on my head every day since he opened it. Yes, picture me sitting on the couch self-stimulating my scalp. Perverted, right? Ohh but it's sooo wooonderfulll.

This weekend, Mr. W looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said, "Can we take the egg beater to bed with us tonight?" He's such a wild man. 

I think as we laid side-by-side, me gently grasping his head with the claw machine of delight, I heard the massage dog wimper from my nightstand.

There's a new massager in town and It Is SPECTACULAR.

Do yourself a favor—go on Amazon and order one. Your head will be thanking you all the year through.

I Am Thankful for Children: A Follow-Up to My Last Post

I suppose I should have said "we" are thankful because Mr. Wonderful is right here with me on this. We love all the kids in our life, so I thought Thanksgiving would be a perfect time to call out a few... Particularly after my last post that was all about how we're choosing not to have kids. We don't need any because we have all these awesome ones around!

• My eldest niece who got an incredible score on her SATs but sometimes chuckles like Napoleon Dynamite and gets very tongue twisted. I can always count on her to laugh at my jokes and make snarky remarks with me in the corner at parties.

• Mr. W's oldest niece who was sweet enough to give up her bedroom for the entire weekend when we went to visit St. Louis recently. I know Mr. W thoroughly enjoyed sleeping under all those Justin Bieber and Taylor Lautner posters, and I'm sure she enjoyed the teasing we did about her throwing parties while we were out.

• My second-oldest niece who is always a jubilant little ray of sunshine. Although I often tell her to shut up when she's walking around singing, I do admire her upbeat attitude. She was the earliest adopter of Mr. W when I brought him into the family and I'll always love her for that.

• My third-oldest niece who Mr. W always says reminds him of me. She's all arms and legs and flailing. Just like I was. But she's smarter. I once told her Mr. W and I were going to a wine class and she said, "What are you going to learn? Ohh YOU DRINK IT - how interesting!" Smartass.

• Mr. W's youngest niece who can fill any empty space in a conversation and will always let me draw and color with her. She did once tell me that I smiled too much, but I won't hold it against her. Especially because she owns a Zac Efron doll.

• My youngest niece who provides us with hours of entertainment at most every family gathering. She recently acquired an invisible boyfriend who she says she met at the gas station. His name is Daniel. I wonder if he's coming to Thanksgiving...

• Mr. W's god-daughter who was the only non-niece in the kids portion of our wedding party. She drew a picture of us before the wedding that I keep in a frame. I don't think we're wearing clothes in it, which is part of why I love it so much.

• My cousin's two little boys who, last time I visited her house, stripped naked to do a dance for me before I left. She recently asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up and the 5-year-old said, "a zookeeper or worker at the La Brea Tar Pits with the woolly mammoth bones." The 3-year-old said, "a race car driver in an orange car." Brilliant.

• Mr. W's cousins' kids who we get to see lots of cute pictures of on Facebook but don't get to see too much in person.

• My friend's little boy who refers to me as "Mawissa."

• The twins I nannied for—when they were 2 months and then again when they were 3 years.

• The kids I babysat for who grew up and now have their own babies who are all absolutely adorable.

• All my friends' and extended family's little ones in this state and others—Utah, Arizona, Colorado and Texas. I don't get to see them often enough, but hearing their funny stories always brings a smile to my face.

• And lastly, the cute little faces I get to see on some of your blogs. I always get a huge kick out of your kids' stories, too.

Mr. Wonderful and I will get to enjoy a night of mayhem with my four nieces tomorrow. We'll be delighted to pay witness to all their antics and probably totally exhausted when we leave them.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!