Tuesday, December 30, 2014

50 Quotes That Sum up Our Year

I think we exchanged some other dialog during 2014, but these stand out as the phrases most often uttered and most easy to remember...

  1. My chicken stool just fell in a gopher hole.
  2. I think we should clean (the chicken) Charlotte's butt vent.
  3. I think we should clean Charlotte's butt feathers.
  4. Flood! Flood! Flood! The washing machine is flooding the hallway!
  5. (Later that same night) Help, there’s a lizard in the dining room!
  6. I’m going to the store to buy Epsom salts so I can give Samantha (the chicken) a bath.
  7. When I was taking out the compost, Zoe escaped out the back door and I had to use a broom to get her out from under the truck.
  8. Did you just drop a screw down the toilet hole?
  9. I’m totally taking a picture of you with your arm down the toilet hole.
  10.  Want to watch another episode of The Love Boat? 
  11. Is that a tarantula in the middle of the street? (It was.)
  12. I have to go give the cat his IV.
  13. I have to go give the cat his insulin shot.
  14. I have to go pick up the cat’s prescription at Rite Aid.
  15. Is that Allison Janney? (It was. At a local restaurant.)
  16. Walter White! (At the Godzilla premiere.)
  17. When I meet John Corbett, I’m telling him my chickens are named after Sex and the City.
  18. Why are those cupboards so much shorter than the other ones?
  19. It’s fine—we’ll just hide it behind the shower curtain.
  20. Give me those tiles and I’ll go cut them (Yes, it was a big deal that I learned to use the tile saw).
  21. There’s drywall in my bra.
  22. I think I’m bleeding from a shard of bathtub.
  23. I thought you were dead in the attic and I was going to have to drag your body out.
  24. Do you want me to get the walkie talkies?
  25. Dad just said “doin’ it in the butt” (while playing Cards Against Humanity).
  26. Mom just said “concealing a boner” (while playing Cards Against Humanity).
  27. Did you just use a #10 envelope to get the cat out from under the bed?
  28. Carrie (the chicken) just pecked me in the front teeth. Do you think I have the bird flu now?
  29. Is my pee beige from the juice fast?
  30. Your hands feel like sandpaper.
  31. I just had to sew up a hole in my pants before we could go to dinner.
  32. My ring is stuck—I think you’re going to have to cut it off of my finger.
  33. The brand new dishwasher is broken.
  34. The brand new pendant light is dented.
  35. The brand new range hood is scratched.
  36. Did you really just hand me two eggs and a giant zucchini, pervert?
  37. (Insert chicken name), get out of the (insert vegetable/plant name).
  38. You snored out loud in class during Savasana.
  39. Zoe just went under the house through the hole in the bathroom floor.
  40. Zoe just threw up from the top of your desk chair.
  41. Have you brushed your teeth yet today?
  42. Did you take a shower today?
  43. I can’t remember the last time I shaved…
  44. I just filled the green bin to the top and I only cleaned about ¼ of the yard.
  45. I need a drink.
  46. I need a massage.
  47. I need a nap.
  48. I need an Advil.
  49. Do you think you could mow the lawn? (Response: How about I teach you to use the lawnmower instead?)
  50. I love you even though __________.

I wonder what new sayings 2015 will bring into our home. Hopefully some like "that seaweed wrap felt so good" and "I can't believe how clean the house is." A girl can dream.

Happy New Year! 

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