At my last job, we literally had a sign in our conference room—where campaign concepts were often generated and reviewed—that said this:
My comical cohorts had a little paper table tent with "Doron" written across it, so if you suggested something really stupid, you had to sit with that in front of you like a name tag until the next moronic idea was presented.
It was sort of like being in a frat.
As you might imagine, I got really good at taking teasing and idea-squashing in stride.
But I'm beginning to think that being out of the workplace for 3 months now has completely thinned my skin. In the last few weeks, there's a level of sensitivity plaguing me that hasn't been around since maybe the junior high locker room.
One innocuous comment from Mr. Wonderful can turn me into a weepball who is convinced her muffin top and inability to shower before noon is making him find her thoroughly unattractive. One well-written blog post (like this one) sends me into a spiral of self doubt about my abilities as a writer. Cat litter pebbles on the rug leave me thinking I'm a terrible housekeeper who fritters away her days being utterly unproductive. Never mind that I'm working out almost every day, writing and exploring new creative avenues with friends and probably keeping the house cleaner than I ever did when I had a job.
None of that matters because my thin skin is continuously sending me signals that I'm an out-of-shape, hack writer, terrible wife.
And no, I'm not pregnant nor have I had PMS for the last month.
So I'm left wondering: will my rhino hide only return if I go back to a 9-to-5 job? Or am I in some sort of emotional growth spurt that will soon enable me to handle all of this without the help of a critical creative director?
Or is this just what life is like for stay-at-home writers and tortured artists?
It gives my wimpy skin goosebumps to think about it.
Seriously! You seem to be worrying about things a lot. Knock it off! You love that advice, right? How 'bout live in the moment and assume the best instead of the worst. Try it for a day and get back to me.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's like a callous? I know if I don't play the mandolin for a few days my fingers are sore. Maybe working in an agency callouses you. And maybe it's not such a bad thing to be sensitive again.
ReplyDeleteHere's my take on it. I think a lot of us (and society in general) put a lot of stock into our working personas. So, the minute we stop working, whether by choice or not, we all of a sudden begin defining ourselves by all the other aspects of our lives. All of which are perfectly fine and normal, but bear a sort of ridiculous amount of weight when we're out of work, especially when we will eventually go back to work. I think it's only natural. So, don't feel bad for being a bit more sensitive these days - but also, try to keep your chin up and brush off the things that really don't matter! xoxo
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't had PMS in a month shouldn't you take a pregnancy test?
ReplyDeleteJust kidding. Besides, I'm bad at math.
I think when anyone is doing something outside the norm (the norm here being a 9-5 office job) there is bound to be some heightened sensitivity and feelings. It's not a bad thing! It's great you are exercising daily and hanging out with friends. It'd really only be concerning if you were isolating yourself and eating too much chocolate. ;-)
Wow TWA - Yes sir... {walking to bedroom to go pout}
ReplyDeleteMandy - I like that way of thinking. Even though the callous felt better, it probably wasn't that pretty.
Nilsa - You are a dear. It's funny how after I wrote this post, an amazing freelance opportunity presented itself to me and turned my thinking right around. So much for picking myself back up without a job.
Sizzle - Hahaha yes I suppose I would need to. So I guess I did have PMS. But not ALL month long!
And who says I'm not eating chocolate on top of exercising? This is why the muffin top persists! :P
I think it's very much an identity thing. I have never been great at taking jabs but I didn't break down in tears at the office either. Now, though, I have found this new identity in some ways and it's much different than the one before. I don't have to deal with people on the level I did before, so it's sort of harder all around. But I volunteer a lot more now, so I think that is helping me get my human interaction persona back up to her original toughness. We lose what we don't use, right? But I think it's okay to lose the toughness once in a while.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has been out of the normal workforce for a year, I know from which you come. But, it's all perception - yours - that matters. Brett is right. Live in the moment, from one breath to the next, and you'll realize that it ain't so bad.
ReplyDeleteWeepball. Great band. Saw them at Royce Hall in '98.
ReplyDeleteYou need a friend to come in a couple times a week so that you can compare issues/insecurities so that you can more easily see how silly it all is.
ReplyDeleteSensitive is okay, but not to the extent that it makes you doubt yourself.
:-)
Pearl
You need a friend to come in a couple times a week so that you can compare issues/insecurities so that you can more easily see how silly it all is.
ReplyDeleteSensitive is okay, but not to the extent that it makes you doubt yourself.
:-)
Pearl
I think you are awesome, and I like your writing And I'm the most critical, itchy-B you'll never meet :)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, I understand where you are coming from withthe sensitivity. But sometimes being employed is a security blanket. We put out good work, but it's all about the company-we're just representin'. When it's your own personal venture-suddenly it's ALL you, and that's a little more vulnerable feelin' right?
Big Hugs! You're gonna rock it!