What We're Making: The Realities of a Lamp Revamp

Over the last few years, I've developed a sort of addiction to DIY and home decor blogs. And HGTV... And magazine articles about home stuff... And fire sale sites like Joss & Main and One Kings Lane...

Addict that I am, it was no surprise that I found myself wanting to try out some of my decorating DIY skills when we got the new house. And after a visit to Habitat for Humanity ReStore in Pasadena, I found a worthy candidate to be my guinea pig. She was only $10 and I thought her cute pineappley middle would look quirky and fun in one of our bedrooms.

I bought her back in September, long before we painted the bathroom tile around the Santa Ynez guest bath shower. So, folks, this was the first time in my life I had ever used spray paint. Crazy, right? 

I am officially a fan. In fact, I've since sprayed the $35 IKEA bed frame I bought on Craigslist (you can see the edge of it in the very top picture of this post), along with the mirror frame above, and a few knickknacks. And I'm not planning to stop there. I find myself continually spying new things I could aim a nozzle at. 

My big lamp plans became a bit foiled when I purchased a lampshade at Home Goods, and it got squished by the bed frame in the back of my Prius. Yes, I put an entire bed frame in my tiny hatchback. And yes, it was totally the previous owner's fault it smooshed my lampshade because he wasn't exactly gentle when he loaded the frame into the car. You get what you pay for, I guess...

Very sad little crinkled lampshade... Thankfully, the crinkles were fairly well hidden by the fabric I glued around the drum.

Now, I've seen lamp redos on sites like my beloved Young House Love, and I think even on Pinterest. And they always look so easy. Like all you need is a glue gun and a good attitude and you'll end up with a professional-looking end product.

Mine may look okay from a distance, but the interior seams are totally uneven and frankly a little ghetto. If lampshades can be ghetto. 

And lookie there, you can see one of the dimples in the shade up on the left. Argh. 

The other funny thing about this whole endeavor—between the lamp itself, the shade, the paint and the fabric, I think this ended up costing me about $36. So really, I probably could have just purchased a brand new lamp that had a perfectly covered shade. 

Live and learn, lamp DIYers, live and learn. 

Verbal Ineptitude: Top Hits from the Family

For a long, long while now, my dear mother has suffered from some sort of crossed wire or misfiring connection between her mouth and her brain. When it happens, we think she probably knows what she wants to say, but as soon as the thought reaches her vocal chords, all hell breaks loose. One of the most famous instances of this was the time we were being obnoxious and she said, "You're making the sperm in my neck hurt!" instead of saying something about the bone spur she thought she had in her neck. She definitely got our attention with that one.

Or there was the time when she pointed out the window of our motorhome when we were camping and exclaimed, "Look at the delicate!" It was a swan. I think maybe she was going for pelican or duck...who knows... There was a similar instance when she saw two blimps in the sky at once, and yelled, "Twimps!" But not in that I-just-made-up-a-clever-word kind of way.

It wasn't a huge surprise when, over the years, my sister began displaying similar challenges with her ability to speak. Once when I was a kid and I guessed a Wheel of Fortune puzzle before she did, she looked at me and said, "You snow bitch." We still have no idea where that one came from.

And then there was the one last year when my niece said something about the Macy's in our local mall and my sister said, "When I was a little boy, we didn't have Macy's." No one in the family was aware that my sister had ever been a little boy.

Last weekend, it became clear that my eldest niece is also afflicted by the verbal ineptitude gene. My mom, sister, and I had gone to visit my niece at college to celebrate her 18th birthday. After finishing a nice dinner, something came up about a night she had spent at my mom and dad's house while my sister and brother-in-law were out of town. She was complaining about how awful it was because, according to her, my parents' cats were having sex all night. "They're brother and sister," I told her. "They don't have sex."

She looked at me with a mix of confidence and irritation and said through narrowed eyes, "Cats don't know email."

About midway through the sentence, I think she realized it was going to come out wrong. Apparently she meant to say that cats don't know what incest is, so they very likely could have been trying to mate. But somehow "email" got thrown in there instead. It was fortunate I didn't pee my pants from laughing so hard.

As I racked my brain for additional points of evidence on how this tragic disease has affected my family, I began to think that my brother and dad may have been immune. But on Thanksgiving night when the family began talking about my great aunt and uncle who met and married on a whim a couple days later, my dad said very seriously, "They only knew themselves very long." Pretty sure he was trying to say something about how they didn't know each other very long.

I'm going to keep tabs on the family to see if this ailment continues to get worse. I think my brother and I may be the only remaining Hetheringtons that haven't come down with a serious case.

Mr. W on the other hand may have a related strain. Between the Costco hamburger bun cleavage story, old lady wash cloth face, and the time he told me I looked "good-sized" for my weight, it's clear the synapses don't always fire in his favor. I just hope he doesn't come down with a full-blown oral disability like so many of my family members.

But if he does, I assure you there will be many a blog post documenting his speeches.

More Moronic Moves and Some House Before & Afters

After last week's unfortunate incident with the nail polish on the couch, I thought my marriage karma had miraculously turned itself around. Mr. W wasn't even really able to pick up my faint smear on the couch, so when we left for Santa Ynez Saturday morning, I thought I was irrevocably back in his good graces.

And then we opened the new faux wood blinds to hang in the kitchen...

As Mr. W pulled them from the box, I said, "I sure hope they're the right size." It was like one of those moments where as soon as you say the words, you know it's all going south. Like, "I sure hope that seagull doesn't poop on me," or "I sure hope the alterations on my dress are right." It's like a done doody deal as soon as you verbalize the hope.

Mr. W carried the blinds to the large kitchen window, and sure enough, they were the wrong size. Not because Lowes had mis-cut them, but because I had mis-measured the window.

Fail.

We had to go across the street and borrow a hack saw from our darling neighbors so Mr. W could cut each individual slat of the blinds. He was not thrilled with me at this point...

Then I went to work spray painting the frame of our guest bathroom shower—the tile was really ugly and we realized we could just paint it white until we demo the bathroom next year. The spray paint canister was a little different from others I've used recently and when I saw a plastic pluggy-looking thing attached to the nozzle, I pulled it out. Then proceeded to spray giant, unruly drops of white paint all over the inside of the shower.

Fail.

Thankfully, Mr. W is smart and told me to reinsert the plug—which was actually some sort of spray diffuser—and it was smooth sailing after that.

Seriously, that man is a saint. He even bought me a card for the five-year anniversary of our first date. I do not know what I did to deserve him, but I'm certainly not paying him back very well with all my home renovation disasters.

Here are a couple peeks at some of the stuff we worked on this past weekend. Just in case you were wondering how the future wine-making facility is coming along... (Please excuse the grainy pictures. I think a setting was wonky on my camera. Add it to the list of things I screwed up this weekend...)

The guest bath was a bit frightful when we first saw it...

 

We think it looks much lighter and brighter and inviting now. 

 

The retro diner booth and table setup was pretty cute, but I'm partial to the new table and chairs...

 

I bought the fabric to recover the chairs at IKEA and, although Mr. W thinks it's kind of an "old lady" print, I dig it. 

 

There's a before pic of the whole kitchen here in case you want a reminder. 

 

It's really nice to be whittling away at the very long to-do list for the house. By Thanksgiving, we should have the outside painted and quite a few more touches complete on the inside. If only we could go live there now...