Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Thank Goodness That Parental Instincts Kick In Even When You Don't Have Kids

If you were a regular reader of my old blog, you may remember that in 2008 I shared a story of family holiday mayhem wherein my cousin's 2-year-old choked a little on pumpkin pie and when he started to barf it up, she expertly reached out and caught the vomit on her own dessert plate. Total varsity mom move.

Horror, laughter, and my mom wetting her special velvet Christmastime pants ensued.

Well, I'm proud to say that last week, Mr. Wonderful displayed cat parenting skills akin to my cousin's.

As you may remember, we just purchased a new couch last month. We are very protective of it because it is pristine and microsuedy and lovely. So when my cat started doing her accordion-like throw-up maneuver on it while Mr. W and I were eating breakfast, I panicked. We absolutely did not want a spitty hairball on our new baby. Thankfully, Mr. W coached me through the whole thing.

As Zoe started her gag dance, Mr. W yelled, "Get the plate! Get the plate! GET THE PLATE!"

(Looking back, it kind of reminds me of the final air scene from Top Gun when Maverick and Iceman keep repeating everything multiple times—"There's a mig on your tail! THERE'S A MIG ON YOUR TAIL! Break left! Break left! BREAK LEFT!")

Like a good copilot, I followed his instructions and grabbed my empty breakfast plate, catching the tube of congealed, regurgitated hair before it hit the couch or the floor.

Apparently even childless people can have wicked awesome parental instincts.

However, my lovely Kate Spade everydayware will never be quite the same.


  1. Not sure about your "wicked awesome parental instincts." However your couch preservation reflexes are ninja-like.

  2. I have no witty comment but I had to say this post made me laugh out loud, literally.

  3. Jeff - Wait, are you saying there's more to parenting than instinctually knowing what to do when your children vomit?

  4. Suzy - I wish I had a video of it - would've been even better. :)

  5. HA! I was once told that after you decided who was on poo duty and who drew the vomit card, everything else kinda works out. Parenthood in a nutshell.

    Ps. Dag girl, bleach that plate.

  6. You, my friend, are crafty. Who else could work a Top Gun reference into a story about cat puke? That alone deserves reward!

  7. I am totally impressed. I probably would've watched it in slow motion as my feet were like cement blocks unable to carry me over to the couch in time.

    And because of that, I know that microsuade is pretty damn resistant to stains. My old couch didn't have any special treatment or anything and we cleaned up everything from salsa to red wine spills with no residue left behind!

  8. Chantel - I have friends who say, "I think my phone is ringing" when they want their spouse to change a diaper. It's funny how people develop little rules and codes!

    LesleyG - Working in advertising has given me a strange ability to link disparate ideas. :)

    Nilsa - You've reaffirmed my fabric choice for sure now. :) And your cement block feet concept brings to mind a very funny visual.

  9. I am very quick with my reflexes when I hear the sounds of impending puke. Why do cats insist on puking on rugs and furniture when there is perfectly good tile or hardwood floors available?! It's a mystery to me.

  10. Smooth like buttah! And yes- dag, bleach that plate.

    P.S. Next time catch it with your bare hand and I'll send you an Honorary Parent Award. I don't have a printer, but I can draw fancy squiggles around an 8.5x11 paper like a pro.

  11. Oh yeah. I'd just make sure Mr. W. always get The Plate :-) some strong disinfectant is in order too. When my cat used to do that heaving, I'd throw her on the tiled floor or outside. Poor old cat. You're at least a NICE pet owner :)


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