This past weekend, Mr. W and I went to Fresno, Santa Ynez, and Santa Barbara, and on the drive north he realized he forgot something extremely important. No, not the corkscrew or his gold bikini briefs—his wallet. In addition to potentially posing some problems if he got pulled over, the oversight had us interacting in a way we hadn't really done before. See...we don't share a bank account.
GASP!
We pretty much split everything financial (although I think he treats me to dinner WAY more often than I treat him), so having one person settle every bill for four days was a funny feeling for us both. Generally when we take trips, we also take turns, loosely tracking who got the last one and who'll get the next.
When I tell people this, they freak out. It's as thought our separate finances mean we're not actually married. I think they immediately assume that Mr. W was the instigator of this because he has quite a few more precious assets to his name.
But I'm the one who drew the dividing line.
I was a financially independent person for such a long time, I just couldn't make peace with the idea of combining our money. I don't want to think I'm dipping into his earnings. I don't want to have to worry about spending too much on a new dress or a baby shower gift. I don't want to hide things or ask permission. So instead I keep my moolah to myself and let him do the same.
That's not real commitment, some would say. And who knows—maybe they're right. Maybe my single-girl holdout is a detriment to our matrimonial bliss or success. But man I enjoy keeping my checkbook (Yes! I've admitted it before and will say it again!) balanced to the penny and knowing I'm responsible for my end of things.
That said, I was more than happy to file my taxes with Mr. W this year. Marriage does have its financial perks!
What are your thoughts on this? Does monetary sharing equal caring—or can keeping things separate still mean you're in love?
Ari and I talk about what if and I can't imagine combining, where he can't imagine not having a combined. I don't believe it defines how much I love him, I just want to be financially independant, or at least feel like I am. I think my parents brain washed me on that one..lol
ReplyDeleteThe older you get, the harder it is I think. Your parents were smart to make you so independent and capable! :)
DeleteHonestly, we have one account. I think it's an individual choice though. For us, when we first got together he was traveling a lot and hated the daily grind of paying things so me taking over all of that mess--and oh, I am so OCD about that--was a huge burden off of his shoulders. There hasn't been a "late" bill in years, not a single overdraft, and I over pay on everything from the gas bill to the one credit card we own. :)
ReplyDeleteHowever, that said, this particular situation works as I am a non-spender. lol I own five pairs of shoes and two purses. (I know, SO not a girl, eh?) And he isn't either. He's totally cool with me saying we're a little tight this month so no huge extras. With me giving up the exec job to be home with the boys and paint--everyone is happier, but having one brain juggle the books works out better.
To each his own, right? xo
I can definitely see how one account can simplify things - especially when you have kids.
DeleteDoing what works for your relationship and the financial best interest of the marriage is the love part, I think. The rest is just minor details.
ReplyDeleteThank you. :) You wouldn't believe how many people have given me a hard time about this!
Deletesimple and to the point. I LOVE Lesley's comment!
DeleteIf that works for you guys, then that's the way to go. Doesn't matter what others do.
ReplyDeleteSince moving in together, we got a joint account but still have our separate accounts. It was too much for me to tell him how much he owed me each month since I paid all the bills (I'm the super organized one in this duo). It made me feel like his accountant or his mother, neither of which I liked since I wanted to feel like his partner. Now we move a set amount of money to our joint checking/savings every time we get paid and I pay the bills from that. It works for us. Who knows what will happen when we move into the house and have more bills? I think I will always want to have my own account because like you said, I don't want to have to justify my spending. I am overly fair and it would drive me bonkers if I was spending more than he was (and he doesn't shop as much or go out as much).
We've talked about getting a joint account since before we got married and we just haven't done it yet! Usually we use Chase bank's direct payment thingee and just transfer money that way.
DeleteMr. D is lucky to have such a responsible person to be his bill-paying manager! ;)
I am a spender (shocking!!!!) so I was a little nervous at first to combine incomes, but its worked fine for us, especially since he doesn't really spend anything so it equates to more for me. Oh...and in addition to our regular accounts, we keep a separate vacation account that I have money deposited into each pay period so we always have a stash for whatever vacation we are planning. It's never been a problem..... Except the time I bought a new purse and didn't tell him and when we got in the car, he immediately smelled new leather. :)
ReplyDeleteI love that you guys have a separate vacation account! That's brilliant! I might have to copy that. We can get a joint account but only for trips!
DeleteI think it's an age thing. People who get married in their early to mid 20s haven't yet grown up financially, so it makes sense for them to open joint accounts. By the time you're into your 30s, you've got your own financial routine to paying bills and other things. I think it sometimes makes more sense to keep separate accounts. I know couples like Sizzle who open a joint account while keeping separate accounts and that seems to work for them. Sweets and I have nothing joint ... he pays some bills, I pay other bills and we both contribute towards the mortgage. Then, like you and Mr. W, we take turns paying for dinner, gas, groceries, etc. So far, it's worked for us and I don't think it has any bearing whatsoever to the level of love or care we have for one another. (Note: easily said for a marriage that works ... you could say separate finances could lead to issues if there are questions of fidelity in a marriage, etc.).
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to know you and Sweets do things this way, too. Makes me feel less like a crazy mutant. :) And yes, I think we'll probably get a joint account at some point - we kind of just keep forgetting to do it.
DeleteWhen Joe and I first lived together we had things separate, but it got way too confusing. I also am in charge of the finances and most bills get paid weekly, and I have about 10 different savings/checking accounts set up designated for different things. So between all that, having separate accounts would be way to much. So we combined pretty early on. Of course now that I am a SAHM, combining is the only way to go.
ReplyDeleteIt is also easier for us because of financial planning for retirement, home projects, and savings in general.
I think if you wanted to make things a bit easier you could open one joint account and each contribute the same amount to it, for example $100 per paycheck, then all dinners/dates come out of that account. That way there is no having to keep track of who got what.
Mr. W is a crazy spreadsheet maker, so things don't get too confusing in these parts. :) We had to set things up like that after we bought a house with his friend who just passed away. So now we just sort of track everything through that.
DeleteIf we ever decided to go the kids route, I think we would definitely have to combine. And then I'll come to you for pointers on adjusting... :)
I'm definitely of the school of combining once you're married. There was a key statement in your post that jumped out at me..."worried about dipping into his earnings." Hmmm...shouldn't that read "our" earnings?
ReplyDeleteThere's no one right way, and I think people need to do what works for them and causes the least strife. Money is a key contributor to failed relationships, so finding the right balance is vital. I personally just think that sooner you move away from the yours and mine mentality, the better you can work together as a team. Doesn't mean there aren't rules about money, but as long as everyone is open and honest about things, you shouldn't have to feel guilt or worry about hiding something.
You're such a traditionalist... "Our." Sigh...
DeleteDo you and your main man have a joint account?
"My man???" Barf. LOL
DeleteNotice I said after marriage. Last time I checked, no ring on my finger!
I combined when I got married the first time around at 21 years old. Now, 20 years later, we each have our own accounts for our second marriages. To each his own. Whatever works best for you and keeps the conflicts over money to a minimum is the best idea, I think. And people's needs change over time and situation, so you never know what's in store for you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we've ever really had a fight over money, so I guess this is working okay for us!
DeleteFinancial independence is the way to go. You know you'd support the other if necessary. Wouldn't fly in our house if my husband had to ask if he could buy ANOTHER bike...
ReplyDeleteAhh if anyone would understand this, I knew it would be you! :) Thanks for commenting. It's good to know there are others of "us" out there!
DeleteI'm with you - my feelings exactly. When it all comes down to it, what's yours is his and vice versa. Still, I like my independence because it took a long hard road to get there!
ReplyDeleteI think it's sweet you think you haven't combined your money. The truth is the day you got married you gave away 50% of it. Here's how we do it: Vicki and I each have our own checking account, but they're joint accounts. If she wants to look at my account, or me at hers, we can do so online or in the house. We have complete access and transparency to each other's finances, although I can count on one hand the number of times we've looked at each others accounts - and even then it's usually been at the other's request to look something up. So in a sense we have it both ways. That part about keeping track of who pays what bill is an odd thing to me. In my experience, scorekeeping hasn't been a good thing in my personal relationships. But that's just me. I think Sizzle has it right: whatever works for you guys.
ReplyDeleteI could have pretty much written your post :-) I think it is often the partner with *fewer* assets that is more inclined to preserve independence. I'm a newly-wed 33 yr old, and I value my financial independence and wouldn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of my husband. We used to earn roughly the same amount, but then he changed jobs and has been earning more than double my wage for the last 18 months. We don't count down to the cents, but we keep things generally balanced.
ReplyDeleteExcept, as much as I don't want to take advantage of him, I also don't want to limit him to only things that I can afford, so I don't think this will be a sustainable approach in the long run. A major example of this is that we're likely to buy a house this year, and 'my' half of the mortgage will probably be more than I can afford as we'll be basing the mortgage on the total of our joint incomes. So, what becomes 'fair'? We pay similar percentages of our income? Or we get a fully joint account? Or we have joint finances for mortgage and certain bills, but then separate (equal?) amounts for individual spending? Or maybe I get a higher paying job so I can match his salary ;-) I'm not sure, and I know he doesn't want me to get hung up about it and happily and generously views his earnings as being 'ours', but like you say, I wouldn't want to worry every time I spend too much on fancy cheese (my main vice).
(I'm alive!)
ReplyDeleteI personally think this is brilliant because I plan to do the same thing. I grew up with this silly idea that I would always have a secret account on the side in case my future attractive husband left me for a younger woman (as you can tell, my insecurity with men started young). I got a financial advisor at 22 and even read "Finances for Dummies" just so I would never be stranded. Good for you!