A friend recently admitted to me that she was hesitant to get into a relationship because she didn't want to give up all the things she loved doing as a single person (we're talking hobbies and working out and stuff—not sleeping around or partying every night). This was such a foreign concept to me. I would have never thought that I'd have to resign my passions or pastimes to be with another person. Yet, in my friend's experience, this was how things went.
Looking back, I can remember wishing various boyfriends would have traded some of their independence and free time to devote more time to me. But now I am eternally grateful that I was not only forced to learn how to be alone back then—but am now in a marriage with someone who understands and respects my need to do my own thing sometimes. He doesn't fall apart if I'm not there to cook him dinner. He doesn't throw a fit if I say I want to go for a run with friends or spend the night at my sister's house. He doesn't need me to be with him every moment, and that's one of the things I love about him most.
I think he might say the same about me.
Just two weeks ago, I left my Mr. W for the weekend to attend a Martha Beck coaching retreat in Arizona. While I was doing this...
He was up at our Santa Ynez house doing this...
He painted and staked this snazzy, new locking mailbox to hold our junk mail in between visits.
He installed a new toilet in the guest bathroom (which desperately needs to be painted).
He also picked some apples from our new tree, plus an unripe cantaloupe (oops), and some of the most delicious tomatoes we've had all year. Three cheers for backyard bounty!
He even took himself out to dinner at the local brewery one night. All alone. I may enjoy the freedom to do my own thing, but going out to eat solo still ranks low on that list. I love that Mr. W is so open and self-sufficient.
All this separate togetherness will serve us well in the coming months when he leaves to go work on a movie in Canada. I'm sure I'll be back online complaining about how terrible it is to be in Hollywood without him, but at least I know I can geek out and work on crafts or writing or house decorating stuff in his absence. And the fact that his last few weeks on the shoot are in Hawaii doesn't hurt... Aloha, strategically planned husband reunion.
I feel very lucky that we didn't lose our individual selves when we pledged eternal fidelity. I think it'll keep things interesting in the years to come.
P.S. If you want to read a little insight piece from my Martha Beck trip, check out this week's post on The Path to Wonderful.
I agree about time apart. What a fabulous post and reminder to us all to have our own things outside a marriage.
ReplyDeleteOn my way to PTW blog now!
xxoo
I really do think it makes the relationship stronger. At least in our situation, it seems to!
DeleteI think one of the keys to long-term chemistry is finding the right balance of alone time and together time. For every couple, it's different. Sweets and I spend a lot less time alone compared to you and Mr. W (especially now that Gavin is in the picture), but I don't think either of us feel tethered. We've found our balance and it's nice to hear you've found yours, too.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true - even if you're not physically apart - even if you're sitting in the same room together - just being able to do your own thing and not have to worry about the other person is such a great feeling.
DeleteIt's hard for me to see couples that let go of all the things that defined them before a relationship. I see this mostly with women. I don't claim to see the future, but I think there is no way you won't miss that. Or miss something in your life that fills a space that another person cannot. It has to be by you, and you do have to choose it.
ReplyDeleteI think as women we do compromise our "stuff" more often. And I don't know if it's out of a feeling of obligation or a fear of losing our men. But I think men enjoy us even more when we have our own things going on.
DeleteCouldn't agree with you more! Early on in my relationship with my husband, he worked out of town and I only saw him on weekends. I think we eased into full-time togetherness and now he's only gone for a week at most on a work trip. I'm not sure how I'd handle longer apart--but I have to say I max out that week he's gone with girl nights, painting, and watching all the movies he doesn't care to see! lol
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how having the time in between seeing each other can be a welcome relief sometimes. Being apart for long stretches isn't the best (I know because Mr. W and I have been apart for months before) but it's kind of nice to have an ebb and flow of time together. Keeps things interesting. ;) And yes - gives us time for girls' nights!
DeleteSounds like you 've got the perfect balance.....and YAY for Hawaii!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI cannot even tell you how excited I am about Hawaii. It will have been 7 years since my last trip!
DeleteYou just described my ideal relationship... thank you for giving me much needed hope! x
ReplyDeleteKitty, you can totally find one just like this. Being clear that you want it is the first step.
DeleteThat sounds wonderful!! I'm glad you get to be independent! ;D
ReplyDeleteThanks, girl! It's definitely nice to have the separation and togetherness.
DeleteSomething I learned to do when I was on the road constantly was to eat alone in a restaurant, and to do so without parking myself in a booth to read a book. I actually really enjoy it now, and when I'm traveling still make a point to leave the hotel room and go sit somewhere and eat, enjoy a beer, etc. Have met some of the most fascinating people and heard some amazing stories (most probably untrue) doing this.
ReplyDelete